When my sister first went to college, it was a new experience for both of us. I loved going to visit her; as I was still in high school, getting a peek into the college life - even through the eyes of her geeky business fraternity - was exciting to me. All these new people, from so many different parts of the world, were interesting and attractive, even if I didn't like all of them.
Someone I always and instantly liked was her friend Sunil. This was probably because every time I saw him, he was giving her a hard time. Like his name implies, he was sunny; even when breaking my sister's chops he was smiling widely. There was something about him so genuine, so open, so loving and alive, that I wasn't only happy my sister had found him as her friend; I was glad I could know this person by proxy, too. It was like a perk, and to this day I couldn't say exactly why; Sunil just had this way, this mixture of childlike wonderment and sophisticated humor, this keen intellect that never expressed itself in arrogance. He was someone you just wanted to be around.
We never talked on our own, really, but my sister would always tell me how proud he was of whatever I was doing. He would say things like, "That's my friend!" or, "That's my friend's sister!" When he found out I was going to interview J.K. Rowling, he told everyone he could, I'm told, that he knew me, that he knew the person who was going to interview J.K. Rowling. He was like a proud brother, and considering he almost was one to my sister, it made sense. He sent her this in email:
"OMG has hit you that your baby sister is going to setup and run an interview [with JKR]...and she did it doing what she loves!? ...[Regarding his local paper quoting me on HP:] I was surprised, but it was like i almost expected it."
I saw him last at my 21st birthday party, which is to say I hardly saw him at all; my memory of his countenance is as blurry as that of everyone else's , but I do remember a big, crushing hug; those are his specialty.
On March 17, Sunil choked at a business lunch and died. He ran to the bathroom so he wouldn't have to cough in front of associates; by the time they got to him, it was too late. He was 28.
If things usually come suddenly in this world, this came instantly. It could have been prevented. It could have been helped. It could have been stopped. And though we never wish for a person's death, he was one of those people for whom early death seems particulary cruel, particularly senseless. Of all the people in the world, I think guiltily, I could think of many I'd choose to go before him.
When my sister told me, I knew it was real; there was no way, ever, she'd utter those words if they weren't true. She did it on IM and I didn't answer. I just called her instead. She couldn't talk. We didn't talk that night. She had just come back from a trip, and gotten the news. I let her go to sleep and instead called my mother for more information. It was 3 a.m. but I didn't notice. I woke my mother up, and got the garbled details, then let her go to sleep and sat back in my computer chair, stunned.
I wrote what I'd just learned in IM to John, and then to Ben, both of whom I was cheerily speaking to moments earlier. "My...my sister's friend died..." I typed in shock. "I...he was my friend..too...I think...I have to go." Everything seemed disconnected, like I was peering at all my surroundings through a haze. I pushed back on my chair and left everything on my desk as it was, and laid down on my bed; though I could feel the sorrow push down my edges, grounding me to the spot, the first emotion was an eerie calm. It seemed accepted already; I felt already at peace with his passing; after all, if there was anyone for whom the afterlife would be lovely, this was the guy. I thought about the time I'd spent with him, and didn't cry; I just smiled and drifted off to sleep.
I thought that feeling would last. I thought that my distance from Sunil gave me that gift, that his death wouldn't do the ripping at me that it was doing to my sister. I met up with Stephanie and a few of my cousins at a bar the next night. When we were about to go home my sister and I sat in her car for an hour or so, just talking. She wanted to do something for him, something so that people could remember him; already friends were gathering, and in their confusion and loss and bewilderment were trying to figure out how to do it best, how to honor him together, how to remember what a true friend and gentle spirit he was, celebrate his life, and acknowledge their own grief. She talked about doing a photo album, or a guestbook online somewhere.
As she talked, the desire spread to me as well. As helpless as we were all made to feel by this tragedy, there still was something I could do; I have at least rudimentary Web skills and could tweak a program to make it do what I wanted; we started talking about a simple tribute page. I'd put it together gladly. Somewhere people could come and share. Somewhere people could pore over pictures and post their own memories and remember Sunil and let the person he was in life also be the person he is in death.
I went home and couldn't sleep until we started. Stephanie started sending me pictures. I made literal abuse of Apple's iWeb, tweaking it wherever I needed it and ripping code out of the places I didn't; I configured Movable Type from a blog into a message board system; I set up a gallery and gave others permission to post in it; I gathered biographical information; my sister showed me his favorite quotes; people started emailing me with more pictures and more ideas. I delved further into Sunil's life than I ever had when he was alive.
It wasn't helpful, at the time; it was hard and hurt and the calm feeling that had first come over me at his death was long gone. More and more, as I looked at the reams of evidence of his loving, giving, religious, Godly, truly exemplary life, as the words of heartbroken friends and relatives reached me, as my strong sister admitted to her own heartbraking pain, I felt my own grief twining around my insides. Every few hours I would stop working, and push back from my desk, and realize what I was doing - could it be possible, was I actually making a tribute page for Sunil? Sunil? How had this happened? How was it possible that this was what was occupying my time? I didn't mind it; in fact, I loved the work, but how, how did the world shift so that this was reality?
Slowly and surely the page came together. Friends of Sunil's started leaving messages and posting pictures in the gallery. They started commenting on the pictures. The message board became as much about messages of grief and loss as they became about messages to Sunil. Friends of friends of friends found out about the page, and started leaving messages. People who met him once, people who knew him forever, his family and loved ones and those he never even knew, but he made an impact on all the same. Lately there's a lot of that. There's a lot of people coming to say, "I don't even know you, but I look at these pictures, and I look at your life, and I know you're missed in this world."
I can relate very strongly to that sentiment. The more I worked on Sunil's site the more it bled into me just how big of a loss he was to us; how I wanted to know him better; how much I just liked him in general. When I went to his wake, I expected to be there as support for my sister; she ended up supporting me instead. Happy, loving, wonderful Sunil, gone; nothing has yet seemed so cruel to me.
It's been two months and the site has been visited 14,000 times. It's become a place of inspiration, to me. The way people have shared their thoughts and love and sadness and joys and put their lives into Sunil's community, has been touching. Sunil was a fierce champion of his friends; he would have loved, I'm sure, that because of his death, so many people have come together and shared so much. And while the site originally brought great pain, it's since helped soothe it; from what I hear from those who frequent it, it's had the same effect all around. Of all the things I've done on the Internet, I think this makes me most proud.
If you'd like to go and visit Sunil's site, please do. It's at SunilsPage.com; it's a nice reminder of the impact you make just by being a good person, by loving your friends and family and living life well. Tomorrow will be two months since his death. Last week, his nephew, now named Jonathan Sunil Varghese, was born. There are pictures on the site.
Feel free to go through the pictures, and if you're so moved, feel free to comment. Sunil's family would like the most people possible to know what he was - someone whose light shone so brightly our eyes are still adjusting to the dark.
melissa you made me cry
Gosh I'm sorry Melissa. Thats soo sad I'm like about to cry. You're a great friend, I wish I had friends like you. Well keep it up, your wonderful
~Jude
Wow. I'm actually crying as I write this. I am extremly moved by what you wrote; I feel like I know him although we were thousands of miles and many years apart. I checked out the site and it seems perfect. I'm sure he would have loved it.
~Katie
Melissa, I know that you don't know me but I'm a huge fan of yours. I know it's funny you just run a fansite but I really am a fan. And I've wanted, for a while, to see some of your work. Looking at this entery I see now how talented you are and an even larger fan.
What a terrible thing, sweety. I'm so sorry.
My best friend was shot and killed in front of me 12 years ago (although I didn't go into detail with this in the comment I wrote on Sunil's page), so I understand how painful untimely death is.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the loss of others who loved him.
You all will get through it, trust me....the very best healer is TIME.
As I was reading the first bit of this post, I was excpeting to read about how he had gotten married or something wonderful. I continued reading and tears formed in my eyes and slide down my face when I read this young gentleman had died. I am so sad for Sunil's family and friend's and I will pray for them. A couple of weeks ago, as I was browsing your gallery and clicked on the album titled "Sunil Varghese" I immediately saw the light in his eyes and smiled. From what you said about Sunil, he was obviously that type of individual. I can only say I hope to meet someone like Sunil in my life. God bless you, Melissa.
Melissa,
My very sad condolances to you and everyone effected by this. Apparently, God needed his smile in heaven. The tribute is beautiful.
That's really terrible to happen to someone like that, but I'm sure God had a reason. I'm so sorry, Melissa. Your post was really touching.
Melissa,
It is a beautiful thing to read your post about Sunil. In today's world where everything seems grim every time you turn on the news, it is so refreshing to pause and remember a life that touched so many people in such a positive way. You have put together such a wonderful tribute. It seems such a great way to keep Sunil alive to those who knew him and offer the opportunity for others to still know of him. I hope you and all those who hold him dear will be able to continue to celebrate his life.
I am sorry for your loss when things like this happens it knocks everyone.
I lost my grandad a week ago (on my birthday) and i am still trying to get over the shock.
Your post was amazing and your tallent shone through.
- Blathnat
I don't even know what to say. Leave it to my sister to leave me speechless. She was amazing through these last two months....
wow...
Sorry for your loss Melissa.
i really don't have much to say.
Especially after my own grandfather past away a couple years back.
no matter what it's hard. but you'll make it through. and if he's in someone's memories he'll never really go away.
Your post is so beautifully written and touching. Time is a healer.
Melissa- I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I had a similar experience when my grandmother(who wasn't very old) died in a car accident. I think I understand how you feel.
Thank you for the site; it has helped us all in countless ways.
Thank you even more for this post as it allowed your readers to comment on sunilspage, and enabled me to find you :)
Melissa, you are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Please take solace in knowing the memory of Sunil will live on, thanks in part, due to your loving efforts to preserve his spirit; his memory; his soul. You give so much of yourself for others. Thank you for sharing your wonderful gift. I am truly sorry for your loss and Sunil's family's loss.
Melissa, that was beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. Sunil must have been a truely wonderful person.
As a nurse, I have seen more death and loss and grief than you could possibly imagine. I am very blessed in that I have never lost anyone close to me personally, however I have shared in the grief in lives of countless others. Melissa, all I can say is what a beautifully written entry, what an inspirational website and what a wonderful way to pay tribute to such wonderful individual.
I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, and though this may be a cliche in some respects, I sincerely hope that those who knew Sunlil, and even those who didn't are able to take away something positive from such a seemingly random and tragic incident. Cherish what you've got and strive for what you don't. It's all part of life's experience.
Very touching, Mel....
Love the sites (all of them), the podcasts, and everything else. Keep it up.
Wow melissa, that was beautiful, I'm about to head over to the site right now. I wish i could have known Sunil, although he is 14 years older than me, I'm sure i'd remember him for life.
Wow Melissa, you made me have tears in my eyes (which I've still got). Your dedication is truly touching.
Sorry about your loss Melissa, from what you've posted he does sound like one of those genuinely nice people. You've done a great job on his tribute page.
i'm so sorry melissa!
i'm so sorry melissa. i-i don't even know what to say, just that i'm sorry. you guys must have really loved him, i'm sure he's happy, wherever he is, knwoing that you guys loved him the way you guys did. he's going to live on in everyone's memories because of the website, and the love that has been shown. again, i'm very sorry for his family and everyone who knew and loved him.
Melissa, that post had me in tears (which is not a very good thing since I am currently at work) it was so moving that although I have my own 'demons' to deal with I am so glad to hear about how others have pulled through theirs. You are such an inspiration. Thank you. x
Melissa - Words cannot express how grateful I am to you & Stephanie for putting the loving time & effort into Sunil's website. Your blog entry brought a smile to my face hearing of one more life Sunil touched here on Earth. It is insignificant if you met him once or had known him for a lifetime, his love & generosity are missed by all. I must check Sunil's website countless times throughout the day...it is both soothing & excruciating at the same time. But its' existence makes me feel closer to him in ways I would never have been afforded if you had not created it. Thank you so much...you have brought smiles to thousands of people, and that is a blessing in itself. Much Love.
Hi Melissa. I just wanted to say that that this trully moved me. I actually cried while reading it because the thought of my big sister-like relative, dying really scares me.
When my grandmother died many years ago (when i was around 8/9) the first thing I told my mum was that she had 'gone to live with grandad and amarprem (my older sister who passed away a couple of days after she was born)'. At first this may seem like a typical thing that a kid would say but as I am now grown up (well 16, but thats seems ancient to myself) it does make sense. Kids seem to say many stupid things, but half the time they're right. That's why i like to confide in my little 8 year old cousin when I feel down.
I don't know if this is the right place to say this or even the right thing to say but Sunil has gone to his 'next great adventure' as Dumbledore would say. I'm a hindu and I apologise if you got offended by me mentioning death in this way but I guess I'm so used to thinking this that its hard to explain otherwise.
I'll pray for Sunil.
Love Meera (from the uck as John Noe-all would say)
p.s. you should be proud of the site you created because it is amazing and I'm sure Sunil is looking down on you and thinking that he's the most luckiest person in the world to have a kind-hearted and generous friend like you!
p.p.s sorry this is like an essay length but today I had my gcse literature exam so I'm still in essay mode! :-)
Melissa - this is a beautiful thing you've done, and yes, it's horrible and tragic that you had to do it. I spent a weekend last month with my husband and some of his college friends as they worked on the ways they wanted to memorialize their friend Caroline at their reunion next year, and it's just a pervading, perpetual reminder of how quickly everything can change, when you lose people you love. You always wish you'd been able to know them better.
Melissa,
Your entry really touched me and had me in tears. It brought back memeories from a year and half ago. One of my friends was killed in a car accident when she was 16 because someone ran a red light and hit her. My best friend was in the passenger seat. I too learned of her death from a friend I was talking to on IM. Your description of how you felt was exactly what I remember. I'm glad you were able to do something so special for your friend though, and share what a great person he was.
Melissa, your entry brought countless tears to my eyes. The page is amazingly beautiful. Even though I never met Sunil it still tugged at my heart with great force. You truely are an amazing person, and there is no doubt in my mind that Sunil is proud of you and your work.
i was truly moved by what you said. this story about sunil meant a lot to me because recently a "friend of a friend" (i guess this is what you would call him) died in a car accident at age 17. my best friend knew him well, and she was hit hard by his death. i had only met him once, and to this day i dont know whether or not i consider him a friend, because most of what i know about him i found out after he died. every time some one mentions him i just feel so guilty, because i wish i had gotten to know him better when he was alive. recently, my friends and i have been looking for ways to make sure ben isnt forgotten, and your story is truly inspirational. there's no denying that ben's and sunil's lives were taken too early, but that doesnt mean that we'll forget about them.
Dear Melissa,
I am very sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you.
much regret and love,
Kathryn
Dear Melissa,
I really do not know what to say. Must be a first for me. I'm pretty sure you have an idea on how important this website has been for all of Sunil's friends and family. But I just wanted you to know how much it has meant to me personally. Visiting Sunil's page every morning has become the norm. There was always an order to my morning internet fix. Gmail, CNN.com, NYPost, ESPN. Now sunilspage.com is the first stop in the morning. A quick look to see if anybody has posted a something remembering my best friend.
You have afforded all of us with that gift. I know the pain of this will never go away. However, the site that YOU created gives me a wonderful outlet to express my happiness and grief.
I know I ramble, but I guess all I am trying to say is....THANK YOU!!!!
http://white-pages.allwebplus.info white pages
Thanks so much for creating the site. It helps a lot to read the remembrances and have a place to go when I need to say hello. You did a great job.
Hi Melissa,
I wanted to say Thank You for creating sunilspage.com.
Tonight, I was just searching Sunil’s name in Google and I came across this page and I was so happy to finally find out who created the site that we can all go on and vent to Sunil about anything. I am married to Sunil's first cousin and we were settled in Philly and now Dallas. I still remember the day I got the phone call from my wife when I was at JFK airport dropping off my uncle and I could not believe what I have just heard and refused to believe it. I was planning on calling him so I could meet up with him on my way back. I called him and left him messages saying “ Sunil” stop playing these jokes and this is not funny and to call me back. I never got a call back and as I drove back to Philly I kept calling and calling but nothing but VM. I called my wife and asked her if this is all true and as she was crying so hard, I just knew this was true and she said Sunil’s parents are on the way back from Florida. I pulled over to a service area and just cried so much and just stayed there for hours trying to gather myself and asked God Why him of all people? Finally, at 2am I got home and cracked opened the bottle of Jack Daniel that I bought few weeks back since Sunil was coming down and talked to him all night and crying and asking God why he had to take my brother so early and in such way. Sunil and I planned few trips for the summer like going to see his cousins in Canada, going to Atlantic City like the trips we used to make with Nisse and Shinu. I still remember the time when Nisse, Shinu and Sunil came to Philly for the 4th of July and everywhere we went Sunil had to sit all the way back where you put the storage on my dad’s pathfinder. He was so big and sitting in a little area and it was so funny to see. Even this day I still do not remember how I drove back and forth each day from Philly to NY when he passed away but he guided me and my wife all throughout the travel. I feel so much hurt when I think about his parents, Nisse, Shinu and all his good friends like Prasanth and Josh. I can only imagine if I feel like this, how much are they hurting. I will gladly give up my life to bring Sunil back for all of them if it was possible because he belongs here with his entire loved ones even though I know he is at a better place shining upon us.
Sunil, I Love you dearly my brother and I will talk to you soon like every night as I lay me down back to sleep.
Till we meet again. All my love.
Thanks Again Melissa and God Bless You.
Saji Sebastian
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