Ciao, Italy. Non dimenticare di essere meraviglioso. ]]>
I waited to write about this. I've been reacting to it on Leaky, my twitter, Skype conversations and such, but I didn't want to act, or seem to those most affected as though I was acting, more hurt by Esther's death than my brief interactions with her warranted. We've all seen those guys, they take on such a large helping of grief, so disproportionate to what seems natural, that somehow the grieving people turn in on them, offering so much comfort to a peripheral member of the society that knew the deceased that it disrupts the natural and healthy chain of grieving and respect for the dead. No one wants to be that guy.
Also, there's something that Esther herself recognized, that due to recent attention brought to her by, well, us, and mostly John Green, people had started to do that thing we all do so badly: idolize her, assign her superhuman qualities, portray her as more than she was, which was a smart, compassionate, silly, wise, young girl who had to deal with too much too soon. She said in a recent vlog that she felt like she was fooling us all. That we all needed to know she wasn't perfect. That she gets angry and sad and frustrated - that (and she said this apologetically, mind you) there are times when she hates what has happened to her, when she hates her cancer.
(Back to that in a moment.)
So, here's how I knew Esther:
We met at LeakyCon, so briefly I didn't remember it until I found the picture we took, on Facebook. A dim, hazy outline of a young, glowing girl (who must have been the only girl I met that weekend on an oxygen tube, which sadly is the prime point of my memory) came back to me. I relearned about her through John's famous With Esther video that pretty much won the HP Alliance the $250,000 from the Chase Giving Challenge. I loved her sunny disposition. I loved that she wasn't about her cancer. I was so unbelievably touched that while I was running around LeakyCon in a whirlwind, thinking the world madness, she was making those kinds of memories and having that kind of fun.
When we won the challenge, I texted her (and cursed, twice. To a then 15-year-old. What an insane morning). She wrote:
"aaaa all I've been doing since I found out is cry congfratulations [sic] so much <3"
When we had the press conference, we spoke very briefly on Skype. Beyond all the public awesome you saw, we simply waved excitedly at each other, and when it came time to shut the connection I promised her we'd talk soon when there wasn't some major event raging behind us. She beamed at me and agreed. I blew her a kiss and told her we would be getting her and her family down to LeakyCon, no matter what.
That's it - a brief touch that somehow burned into me deeply. I hadn't been following the tweets from the night before she passed. I was blithely posting woes about not having Mockingjay, while she struggled for life. It was Andrew Slack's early morning email that was my first and last update on the fight she had lost. I was surprised by my own reaction.
In hushed morning phone calls I got the full story. I was huddled in some stairway, trying to accept, absorb, that this bright light in our community had passed. I confess I didn't know what to do - as someone that has been referred to as a leader of a community in which Esther was, especially of late, very present, I felt hamstrung. Do I post on Leaky, do I not? Do I tweet? People die all the time, why am I making a post now? In the end I asked John Green, who advised me to announce it. Then I made sure with my Leaky senior staff, who all thought we should. It was unanimous that Esther has touched this community enough to warrant that kind of treatment, that kind of break from our normal scheduling.
So, as has been rightly said, it is important to remember that while Esther was lovely and awesome, she was human.
Yet, forgive me, because I want to talk for a moment about how remarkable she was. It's important. This is someone whose life touched others. The prevailing sentiment around Twitter on Wednesday was, "I can't believe how upset I am for someone I didn't know." Whether Esther, or we, believed it or not, she had a life spark that was infectious and that is remarkable. She was someone who had time to think about, accept, and welcome the idea of death. Was she still worried and scared and mad at the lot she drew? Of course. But think about, at sixteen years old, what it means to be at peace with the idea that death is coming. Think about how that changes you and what it could do to you. What did it do to Esther? She started talking loudly and openly about love. She stopped wasting time with other, lesser words.
And then something struck me. This is from her obituary at the funeral home - a simple line:
In the end, she welcomed her death, as she did her life, with open-armed exuberance.
It reminds me of something I read once.
"But though Death searched for the third brother for many years, he was never able to find him. It was only when he had attained a great age that the youngest brother finally took off the Cloak of Invisibility and gave it to his son. And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly, and, equals, they departed this life."
That's Deathly Hallows, the Tale of the Three Brothers - the basis on which it is said Harry was able to master death. He welcomed it when it was its time. He was still scared, still hurt, still human, but he welcomed it.
Does that make Esther a master of death? Without purporting to mean that being a master of death makes one perfect, I would say yes. Her cancer, her coming death, it made her part of who she was. For whatever reason they happened and whether all those things were good or bad, they happened, and Esther recognized that. That her cancer, while sucking, was now an integral part of her life and the connections she made with others. I think she connected all this - I think she thought to hate her cancer was to hate all that's happened because of it. I think she had the presence of mind to connect the bad with the good and enjoy the whole, which is what made her regret hating her cancer. For instance, she said this on her formspring:
Q: what is one thing you want to change about your life? like, I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS AND CAN MAGICALLY CHANGE THINGS type changes.really honestly I don't think I'd change anything if I were given the chance. so many words that have been passed between the people I love are because of the bad things and the good things that have happened. and I like those words and wouldn't want them to chaAaAaAange. so, nothing.
That's remarkable. To be that age and be so full of love that you don't even want to hate the thing killing you - that is remarkable.
So while we remember that all of us - even Harry, even Esther, even all masters of Death - are human and flawed, let's not forget that it is also possible to stand out. In a hurry to remember that Esther was human, I want it not to be forgotten that she was also, in a word, remarkable.
Shine on, Esther. My last promise is not broken, only suspended for awhile. See you soon.
]]>Well... these questions-and-answers sort of make up a blog, so, maybe this can be a replacement for awhile. You can read all the answers at at my formspring page.
]]>Well... these questions-and-answers sort of make up a blog, so, maybe this can be a replacement for awhile.
]]>These are probably more commonly called sponsorship gifts, but I do not care, I call them prizes (if you've already donated, you are eligible):
ALL ARE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST
Levels:
$20 donation: Shoutout on PotterCast
(all subsequent levels will include the shoutout on PotterCast)
$30: PotterCast poster plus shoutout on PotterCast
$50: Your choice Jingle Spells 1 or 2
$60: Signed/personalized Harry, A History delivered to your house
$75: Preview of LC Live Album
$100: Preview of LC DVD
$150: ONLY ONE AVAILABLE (which is why I made it expensive): Signed ARC (advanced readers copy) of Harry, A History: I thought this wouldn't go, nevermind in under two hours. Thank you, Matt Rebman.
$200: Guest spot on PotterCast (an interview or the like)
AND THE GRAND PRIZE...
...for the top two people who donate (and you can donate as many times as you like to assure you are in the top spot, ie, add $10 by $10 by $10 to make sure you beat the other guy who's adding $10 by $10 by $10...I will provide updates here):
Top donor after two weeks:
YOUR CHOICE: Either a completely sold out, impossible to get John Green Bobblehead doll OR a piece of the JKR Harry, A History interview JUST FOR YOU, unpublished, emailed to you. That's right. Because I know she'd want me to use it to save the tatas.
Who will win? JKR or John Green? THIS WLL BE INTERESTING!
The SECOND highest donor gets the other prize that the first one didn't pick.
IT'S ON! DONATE NOW!
http://www.penbitten.com/melissawalk
And it is VITAL that you use the above link, as if I make goal, I will be redirecting you to a teammate, WHICH WILL COUNT for prizes. We're trying to get our whole team to goal!
EVERY DOLLAR funds breast cancer awareness and research!
Let's get moving! Save the TaTas!
]]>Ciao, Italy. Non dimenticare di essere meraviglioso. ]]>
Frak would absolutely burst into a billion tiny pieces due to art overload here. It's wonderful.
]]>Here are the two memes, if you would like to repeat them:
Create the Soundtrack of your life:
1. Open your iTunes library and set it to Shuffle.
2. Press play
3. Write the title of the song playing next to the first question (that song is your "Opening Credits")
4. Every time you go to a new question hit the next button TWICE
I will be ignoring this rule so that I can do the second meme in this one note... I AM A MEME KILLER
5. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool. Feel embarrassed like us all.
The second meme is: First 35 songs random on your iTunes, which is the only instruction. So, basically, I'm going to fulfill the first meme then list the rest to satisfy the second meme. Cool?
I'm prefacing this by saying my iTunes is a collaborative junky mess of songs I've used for some reason or other, songs I actually listen to, songs I dredged up from my college Napster downloads, raw interview files, and other such things that really don't relate to, you know, my life. Just FYI.
Opening Credits
"Mother," by John Lennon
(LOL! Appropriate, no?)
"Mother, you had me, but I never had you." LOLOLOL.
Waking Up
Track 12, Eddie Izzard, "Definite Article."
Here's what he's saying: "It is weird with languages. We don't care for languages. English people just go oh, no, we'll just go around and shout, 'Hello!'"
First Day at School
"I Think We're Alone Now," Tiffany
Oh, this is just too good.
Falling In Love
"You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)" - Bruce Springsteen
HOW DOES ITUNES KNOW?
Losing Virginity
More Eddie Izzard, this time from Dress 2 Kill (and this is beautiful):
"A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms...they just sort of hang loose. 'Hello, how are you? Yes, come on in, come on in, how are you?... right, we'll now sing hymn 405 and please can you sing it in your dreary voice? Thank you very much."
Fight Song
"Chapter 33k," Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, J.K. Rowling. SERIOUSLY.
"That is between Harry and me. Now, listen closely, Severus. There will come a time after my death - do not argue, do not interrupt - there will come a time when Lord Voldemort will seem to fear for the life of his snake."
"For Nagini?" Snape looked astonished.
"Precisely. If there comes a time when Lord Voldemort stops sending that snake forth to do his bidding but keeps it safe beside him under magical protection, then, I think, it will be safe to tell Harry."
Dumbledore took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Breaking Up
"Shooting Star," discotronic, from some random disco thing I downloaded. LOL. Umm, OK. But here are the first lyrics, I kid you not:
"Where were you to hold my hand, do the things that we had planned?"
Prom
"Settle for Nothing," Rage Against the Machine
OK?
Mental Breakdown
"She Doesn't Laugh at My Jokes," Jonathan Richman
"I got a fine sense of humor but she doesn't laugh at my jokes."
Driving
"Two Worlds," Phil Collins.
This meme now FAILS. Phil Collins has never been driving music.
...oh and now that I listen to it I realize it's a remix of the song from the Tarzan soundtrack. EVEN WORSE.
Flashback
"Most People are DJs," The Hold Steady
I cannot grasp the relevance.
Getting Back Together
"A Summer Wasting," Belle & Sebastian
"...I spent the summer wasting, the time was passed so easily. But if the summer's wasted, how come that I could feel so free?"
Wedding
"Maquiladora," Radiohead
Which first came up on my iTunes as "Beautiful Trouble," which I prefer not to acknowledge.
Birth of Child
"Voldy Baby," from the JS track. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH.
Loserish people who believe in the divining power of memes would find this funny, but NOT as funny as I do. Oh, LOL.
Final Battle
"Molly's Loaded," a mashup. Appropritately high energy.
Death Scene
"Creep," Radiohead, which is so haunting that it seems like a good death song.
Funeral Song
"Come Ye," India.arie, to which I never never listened.
End Credits
"With Arms Outsretched," Rilo Kiley
From an album called The Execution of All Things, a hopeful track after songs about devastation and widespread geoharm.
And 19-35, to finish the meme
19. Chapter 35c, HP&DH, the Dumbledore and Harry meeting at the end of the book.
20. "Vince the Lovable Stoner," The Fratellis
21. "Caveman," Jimmy Eat World
22. Some recording from 6/14/2007...Alex Carpenter is definitely singing...but there's only a small audience, which means it really was from 2007...OH! This is when he sang at the MuggleNet book event and tried to teach the audience the "bah bah bah's." I had no idea I'd recorded this. Fun!
23. "Be Here to Love Me," Norah Jones
24. "I Can't," Radiohead
25. Track 23, Definite Article, Eddie Izzard. The bit about...actually i have no idea what he is talking about! Oh, it's an encore about the Beginning of Time. :)
26. "Please Come Home for Christmas," Bon Jovi. One of the best recordings of this song.
27. "I feel fine," the Beatles
28. "The Order," The Remus Lupins
29. "If We Can Land a Man on the Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart," Beulah
30. Sean's 'Loud,' John Lennon
31. "Friends of P.," The Rentals
32. "Break My Body," The Pixies
33. "Peggy Sue," John Lennon (I have more JL than I thought)
34. "Tie Your Mother Down," Queen
35. "Everything In Its Right Place," Christopher O'Reilly.
There. TWO MEMES, ONE POST. I am a meme master.
(This is synched from my blog, penbitten.com, for those on Facebook. Facebook users should also note that I'm tagging people ACTUALLY mentioned. I kinda hate it when it says "So-and-so mentioned you in a note," instead of, "so-and-so just wants you to read their note so will pretend they actually mentioned you." Facebook needs a "wants you to read their note" tagging option.)
A brief respite from the q-and-a for booktalk!
The first time I asked, on our PotterCast vlogs, what people were reading, I was rewarded with an unbelievable glut of recommendations. I knew PotterCast listeners were heavy readers but I had no idea how excited they'd be about talking about books. Therefore I try and talk about a book I've just read on each vlog, and this has turned into doing Monday night live chats where we talk about books and what we think they mean. It is literally some of the most fun I can have online, because I work alone at my desk, whether it's Leaky or research or something else, and getting to interact with Leaky fans / Harry, A History readers / PotterCast listeners / book lovers is always exciting and rewarding. Fighting with taxes all day, or spending hours ripping my hair out over what project to settle on next, can really be frustrating, so I find myself really looking forward to the immediate interaction and the thoughtfulness our group of listeners / watchers always brings to intelligent discussions. I've always felt sort of strange / discomfited by the idea that someone would enjoy watching us on the Internet, but bringing our joint enthusiasm about books to it has deflated all the weirdness and made it feel like an awesome, enormous book club that meets on Monday nights.
Anyway, I've been asked frequently by these guys to make a list of what I've read / am reading. Here it is, though I am sure I'm missing things. And I'm going to try and do Amazon links because authors need their stuff bought. (And you should buy that stuff in person, at an independent bookstore, ideally. If you must buy online, then use the links.)
This year's (incomplete) reading list so far (a "*" indicates a re-read):
(There's also, now, a cool MyLeaky group to keep track of all this reading! Awesome!)
The Percy Jackson and the Olympians series (you can get the boxed set here; the fifth book comes out in May):
The Lightning Thief
The Sea of Monsters
The Titan's Curse
The Battle of the Labyrinth
The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
The Great Gatsby*, F. Scott Fitzgerald (needs to be read now and then)
Looking for Alaska, John Green
An Abundance of Katherines, John Green
Let It Snow, John Green, Lauren Myracle, Maureen Johnson
(Note to Nerdfighters, don't shout Paper Towns at me: I read that in 2008, please drop your rocks and let me pass unharmed)
Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell
The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger (I love this author's name)
The Audacity of Hope, Barack Obama (which I started in 2008 but didn't quite finish until 2009)
Currently Reading (I am always reading a lot of books. I need to have one open to suit every mood, so that I can dip right in when I need to):
The Season*, William Goldman (I read this once-a-yearish but it's been two now; one of the best writers ever, and I think I even prefer his nonfiction to his fiction)
Movies in 15 Minutes, Cleolinda Jones (this is not yet out in the states but I scored a copy: she is so funny she will make you cry. Google "Twilight in 15 Minutes" to see what I mean.)
Absolutely Maybe, Lisa Yee
Marcelo in the Real World, Francisco Stork
Team of Rivals, Doris Kearns Goodwin (this is long and takes forever and I'm reading it uber-slowly)
Most of Edna St. Vincent Millay's collected poems* (This is a constant-read; it is always on my currently reading list because it hangs around my apartment for opening at spontaneous intervals; I want more poetry in my life, recommendations please?)
Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Such a Pretty Fat, Jennifer Lancaster
Everything and More, A Compact History of Infinity, David Foster Wallace (recommended by Rosianna)
Several nonfictions that are research and therefore I feel protective about the topics and don't want to talk about them just yet.
Other books I want to read in 2009
The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, E. Lockhart, recommended to me often by Cheryl.
The Graveyard Book, Newbery-winning Neil Gaiman :)
The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing, Traitor to the Nation, M.T. Anderson (volumes I and II, of course). This is one of those books I feel like I SHOULD read, and despite everyone telling me how amazing it is my wish to read it hasn't reached anything above "but I really ought to" yet.
I'd like to reread the His Dark Materials series because it's that good.
A re-read of The Catcher in the Rye would be nice, as I remember nearly none of it.
And more. I'm forgetting books I've read, books I'm reading, books I want to read. I'd like to read ALL THE BOOKS. Ughh, to stop time and read all the books.
As always, suggestions are always welcome! Because clearly I'm not reading enough things at once! And you should list yours, and treat this as yet another meme.
]]>1. "Dollhouse" is about girls who are frequently "imprinted" with new personalities (I'm not making the Twilight joke, I'm not); make up the personality/lifestyle you'd like to have and tell me about it.
2. Favorite book that you hated in high school?
3. Television show you would wipe off the face of the earth if you could?
4. Mangos or avocados?
5. Edward Cullen (or for the sake of argument, Edwina Cullina) or your first boy/girlfriend?
6. Ocean or lake?
7. Has the economic crisis affected you, and how?
8. Are you done with your taxes?
9. What's your dream job?
10. Finish this sentence: "If I had a billion space bucks, I would...."
(Space bucks are just imaginary dollars. :D)
]]>Kim has four questions:
1. What would you do if faced with an ant invasion of your home?
Well, I'd scream, cry, run, spray the place with a pestilent hue, and move into a new place with nothing but me, the clothes on my back, and a roomy duffel bag to sleep in at night.
2. Which would you choose if you had to give up either coffee or HP for life?
Oh, coffee. I've tried to give it up cold turkey a few times before to limited effect. But I couldn't give up my HP books, which are early in their becoming-worn-and-harried stages. I couldn't give up my dream of reading it in Italian, either.
3. How difficult / easy was it to write Harry, A History?
That depends which day you chose to ask. There were days when it flowed easy and free. There were days when I felt like my head was going to explode. Right before deadline I got stomach-achingly sick - seriously, it was like six cases of cramps at once, and I am sure, now, that it was psychosomatic. Every time I would get to this point, in the last two months before my first deadline at least, my temporary personal assistant, Jo, in her cute little British accent (coincidence, I swear), would pop her head in and ask, "Bit of Guitar Hero?" Because that's what destressed me. Guitar Hero. I'd play for 10-15 minutes and feel better.
For most of the year, though, it wasn't that hard, because I'd been thinking about it for a long time and experienced a lot of it. However, in the final three or four months before a deadline, the entire world becomes a pressure cooker and while you focus on one foot forward, bird by bird, you are always mindful of that looming date when you have to let it go. I was pretty depressed the day I sent the book in; I thought it would be a moment of joy, and instead it was one of extreme panic cloaked by what must have been some thin version of post-partum. Then my Leaky friends came to visit and we had a party and that made everything better. :)
4. What major writing piece are you working on right now?
I am developing a seminal piece of nonfiction. It's called My 2008 Tax Return. Love, death and taxes, all in one, man. It's going to tear things up.
(More later, and if you have more to add, as always, hit the comments.)
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